When I first discovered my goddess voice and let it speak freely, I wasn't prepared for what it would do to me or the people listening. The voice was my own, but also more than me. A stronger version who isn't afraid of what people will think if I share what I really believe about sexuality.

I first discovered this goddess voice about a year ago. Last fall, I went to California to do some of the in-person training from the Somatica Institute and had a mystical experience during one of the training sessions.

Part of the Somatica training includes helping people discover their core desires and explore different themes of sexual fantasies. These are not the things you want to do during sex, but more the things you want to feel. We talked about fantasies related to romance, passion, power play, and my personal favorite, nature and spirituality.

Playing with energy and spirituality during sex has always been the hottest part of my fantasy life. Sometimes I imagine I'm being called to heal the world through sex, channeling a goddess who wants to ease the suffering and loneliness of the world through my body. Other times it's a darker god claiming me as his vessel to inspire lust and lead a wild bacchanal. These stories aren't just about sex. They're about power, service, and a connection to something larger than myself.

Once while pleasuring myself, I imagined making a deal. I would serve and be submissive to the men in my life who answered the call of the god. But in exchange, everyone who had an orgasm with me would be healed from some of their pain. Part fantasy and part prayer.

When it was time to explore nature/spirituality as a fantasy theme, I was more than ready. I'd been waiting all weekend. When I was picked to be the demo client, I leapt out of my seat with excitement. Christina Sofie, the instructor, slipped easily into the role. She helped me articulate what I wanted to feel (powerful, special, and to feel like I'm healing people with my sexual energy) and spun up a fantasy scenario for me on the spot.

The Somatica training grounds where Rachel's goddess voice was revealed.

Christina Sofie explained to the group that they were about to be visited by a goddess, and that she was my priestess coming to prepare them. She asked if I was ready.

I closed my eyes and settled into my body. I drew strength into my core, felt the power of my convictions, everything I loved about sex, and let it rise in me. I opened my eyes. My priestess sat across from me; she could see I was changed. I stood up and walked along the front of the room.

The air shifted. People moved to be closer to me, some calling my name to get my attention. I touched heads as I walked past, soaking in their adoration. My heart was racing as I opened my mouth and words I'd never planned to say came rushing out.

I told them their sexual desire was beautiful and holy to me. I urged them not to fear their fantasies. There is no thought in their own mind, no fantasy so depraved that could hurt them or anybody else. Your ability to fantasize is a gift from the goddess. One for exploring your own shadow and going to the places that are too scary to go without pleasure. For my parting gift, I told them that anyone who thinks of me in the holy act of masturbation would be blessed by me and would receive my healing love in exchange.

I don't remember all the words I said, but I vividly remember what it felt like to say them. It was electric. I felt power and love in every cell of my body. I could feel the truth of words in the timber of my own voice. And the reaction of the group! The rest of the night, people kept coming up to me and talking about it and how moved they were. People who'd never even said hello were suddenly making eye contact and smiling. Others thanked me profusely and shared how much they had needed to hear the words I spoke.

A photo of Rachel taken during the training.

I knew I'd found something that night. The power of it scared me. It was overwhelming how powerfully it changed the way people saw me, how much it meant to some of the people in the group. There was a hunger in them for something I'd only just discovered and didn't know if I could meet. Part of me felt like a fraud. After all, wasn't this supposed to be about my sexual fantasy? Suddenly, it was feeling a little too real.

At the same time, I knew I'd been given the ability to be that person and say those words for a reason. Because they desperately need to be said, and people desperately need to hear them. That night showed how much shame lingers in even the most "sex positive" spaces. How hungry people are for permission to make desire holy.

My goddess voice started as a sexual fantasy for myself, but I began to see that it could be more than that. Something that could be healing but could also feed my ego and take me down a dark path if I'm not careful. 

A year later, I'm about to step into that voice again - this time intentionally. I'm going to experiment with how to bring out my goddess voice in a way that will be healing for those that gather. I'm calling it "Sin & Tonic: A Somatic Experience of Sexuality, Spirituality, and Healing."It will be the first time I invite others into a container I've created to feel what happens when sex and spirit are reunited. 

If you're in Cincinnati, you're welcome to join us in person. If not, my hope is that even reading this carries a trace of that blessing the goddess gave me to share. A reminder that your desire is holy, your fantasies are a gift, and your body can be a doorway to the sacred. 

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