Embodying the Forbidden Emotions

Have you ever thought about how much energy we spend trying to feel only good emotions? Plotting and scheming to avoid the pain of feeling heartbreak, betrayal, shame, jealousy, or anger?

Do some of your emotions get drowned by a flood of conflicting emotions before they can draw breath? Does joy get washed away by fear of loss? Will a spark of anger be doused by resignation the moment it lights?

What about the emotions that are missing from your body? The anger that was repressed so long it stopped showing up. The desire for your own pleasure that got swallowed by pleasing others.

Where do these emotions go? Into the realm of fantasy.

We aren't here to fix everything, we're here to feel everything. That's part of what exploring kink and taboo sexual fantasies are about. There are so many things we aren't supposed to feel. And we all seem to love breaking the rules.

These emotions often show up in our sexual fantasies, embedded with a contrasting emotion to balance it and make it ok. Many of us long to feel both helpless and cherished. To be able to inflict pain while causing pleasure.

As someone who loves to document my own emotional and sexual experiences, I've found a lot of joy in sharing photos and stories where I'm feeling only the "good" emotions. I look sexy. I feel joy and confidence. Those experiences are real but if I'm being honest, they don't turn me on nearly as much as the ones where I'm embodying the forbidden emotions.

Photos where my face is contorted and ugly with pleasure. Fantasies where I'm powerless and afraid. I'm both aroused and repulsed by these things. The contrast is part of what makes it exciting.

Emotions are like flavors in cooking. The most alluring food combines elements to make something more delicious than any one ingredient. Tentacle porn, for example, is a visual representation of this feeling. Being both aroused by and repulsed by the same thing.

Although the woman in this image looks blissful, the text around the image makes the contradiction I was speaking of clear.

LARGE OCTOPUS: My wish comes true at last, this day of days; finally I have you in my grasp! Your "bobo" is ripe and full, how wonderful! Superior to all others! To suck and suck and suck some more. After we do it masterfully, I'll guide you to the Dragon Palace of the Sea God and envelop you. "Zuu sufu sufu chyu chyu chyu tsu zuu fufufuuu..."

MAIDEN: You hateful octopus! Your sucking at the mouth of my womb makes me gasp for breath! Aah! Yes... it's... there!!! With the sucker, the sucker!! Inside, squiggle, squiggle, oooh! Oooh, good, oooh good! There, there! Theeeeere! Goood! Whew! Aah! Good, good, aaaaaaaaaah! Not yet! Until now it was I that men called an octopus! An octopus! Ooh! Whew! How are you able...!? Ooh! "Yoyoyooh, saa... hicha hicha gucha gucha, yuchyuu chyu guzu guzu suu suuu..."

She hates what the octopus is going to her but suddenly it starts to feel good. The woman depicted is a pearl diver, which is why she says "Up until now it was I that men an octopus." She identifies with the octopus, as well as being aroused and repulsed by it.

These kinds of fantasies have been with me my whole life. And even when they were acted, through kink play in the bedroom or self pleasuring with fantasy, I rarely talked about them. I could let things "just happen" but I couldn't ask for them. I could face these troubling desires when I was turned on, but once the arousal was sated, the shame had nothing to hold it at bay.

Now that I'm able to look at these contradictions within myself and my fantasies, I can see them for what they are. Not the evidence of a disturbed and degenerate mind as I feared. Not proof that I'm weak or a "bad feminist" for being aroused by things I would find horrific in real life.

It's just my soul being curious about all aspects of life, the good and the bad. We can't stop bad things from happening or bad emotions from welling up in our bodies. But we can learn from these things, we can be changed by them. And allowing ourselves to embody the forbidden emotions in dreams and fantasies can help us do that.

As I've grown more comfortable with embodying these feelings during sex, it's made me feel safer and more in control, not less. It feels powerful to walk through the land of forbidden emotions and come out unscathed. By embracing bad emotions in the context of sexual fantasy, they seem to lose some of their power over me in the real world.

I hope that by sharing this, I'm making it feel easier for you examine your own forbidden emotions. Where does the shadow show up in your fantasies? Is there an emotion that you avoid feeling in real life that shows up in other forms? Can you find a way to feel playful about the feelings you fear most?

I'm sharing some photos of myself embodying one of my own forbidden emotions behind the paywall for my Harem. These are the people who are my intimates and supporters. They've earned my trust so it feels good for me to share them, even if it's a little scary. As I just said, the fear is part of the fun.

The first in this series involves embodying submission. This is a version of myself that both arouses and repulses me. If you enjoyed the photos of me in the bath from earlier this year, these are some I wasn't ready to share at the time. I'm excited to hear what you think.